ode to my grandmothers. idk what ode means though.

I regret how poorly I treated you as a kid. I hated being around people and I had the worst attitude, ever. I never understood you or how much pain you went through. I cared too much about myself to spend time with you. And the worst part is you could tell. You wanted someone to sleep next to you but I rather stay in my room on my computer. You were sick and I failed miserably at attending to you. All these years, I have never heard a complaint from you about anything. You don't even ask for water. Illness has not made you bitter or angry. You stare at me blankly and I'm not sure if you remember me. You probably wouldn't want to anyway. But I hope one day I have the guts to tell you how much I love you. How sorry I am. How much I regret the moments I should've spent with you. Please forgive me oh beautiful soul. I'll never forget your wet kisses, and the smell of your house, and the spaghetti you cooked for me every time I came over. I won't forget your smile, one of the most perfect smiles i have ever seen or the way your eyes glisten. I won't forget how you respond "haree chu" whenever someone asks how you are... no matter how you really feel! I will never forget the simplistic nature of your soul and how modest and pious you are.

All these years wasted in intimidation. You have the strongest personality I have ever witnessed, and I never understood why. I learned a lot about you recently that I wish I had realized sooner. You dealt with so much your whole life. Miscarriages, a semi-present husband, family members with way too much anger, leaving your wealth and comfort behind to move to new places. Your strong personality evolved to help you cope. Underneath it all is the heart of the sweetest angel with such a strong spiritual connection to her creator. You cared so much for us that it made you sick. Hiding specially ordered food to make sure we had the finest things life had to offer and taking us on adventures around the town so we enjoyed ourselves. You showered us in presents and trinkets, trinkets that I'll never throw away. I'm sorry for all of the calls I ignored and all the times I should've called but I didn't. I know you don't hold any of it against me because I can feel it in your touch. I'll never forget holding your hand, or kissing your head, or the way you said to the doctors "i want to go home NOW, this is a prison!". I'll never forget the way you said shattap to people you wouldn't stoop low to deal with. Your funky phone book which kept you in touch with all your friends. Telling everyone you're going to umrah and hajj! "Labaik Allah huma labaik". Constantly asking for ilm --rabi zidni ilma. I love you with all my heart, and you slipping away has left an irreplaceable void in my heart.